


What It Is To Be Loved

by lotsofquestionslimitedanswers



Series: To Be Better To You [5]
Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types, Wiedźmin | The Witcher Series - Andrzej Sapkowski
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Confessions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia Has Feelings, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia Needs a Hug, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Nightmares, Sad with a Happy Ending, Soft Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Soft Jaskier | Dandelion, Worried Jaskier | Dandelion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:54:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23304952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lotsofquestionslimitedanswers/pseuds/lotsofquestionslimitedanswers
Summary: Geralt has a nightmare and Jaskier tries to help.Excerpt:“What did I do in your dream, Geralt?” Jaskier whispers.“You died and I don’t know what I would do if you died before I had a chance to say that I—” Geralt’s voice cuts off and a look of horror washes over Geralt’s face.Jaskier’s heart starts to beat faster. Geralt couldn’t mean what Jaskier thinks—what Jaskier hopes—Geralt means.“Before you say that you what?” Jaskier whispers. He locks eyes with Geralt. Jaskier’s scared to breathe for fear of tarnishing the moment. He is almost certain he knows what Geralt almost said, but he’s having trouble believing it. Could Jaskier really be so lucky? It seems unlikely, and yet…here they are.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Series: To Be Better To You [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1616074
Comments: 16
Kudos: 361





	What It Is To Be Loved

_Jaskier_

Jaskier wakes with a jolt. He takes a deep, shaking, breath, grateful that he doesn’t have tears in his eyes, and he didn’t wake up screaming. He had another nightmare because _of course_ he did. His veins are full of fear and adrenaline. His heart pounds so hard he fears it may burst from his chest. That would certainly be a sight to behold. He stares up at the bright moon and stars above him and takes another deep breath. Inhale. Jaskier is traveling with Geralt who is in search of a new contract. Exhale. It has been two days since that horrible night full of nightmares when Jaskier _could not_ stop crying. Inhale. Geralt let him sleep almost all morning the following day. Exhale. Then Jaskier woke up that morning with yet another nightmare and cried his eyes out _again_. Inhale. Geralt held him in his arms and promised everything would be okay _again_. Exhale. Geralt has been trying to get Jaskier to talk about what happened ever since. Inhale. Geralt has not tried to do this in a conventional way…he just stares at Jaskier for long periods of time. Exhale. Constantly. Inhale. Sometimes Jaskier can feel Geralt’s stares and ignores them. Exhale. Other times, Jaskier looks at Geralt and sees a look of confusion and sadness on Geralt’s face mixed with something fierce…protectiveness? Inhale. Frustration? Exhale. Jaskier cannot figure out which.

An odd sound pulls Jaskier out of his reverie. Jaskier looks around and sees Geralt standing near Roach. That’s odd. It’s still dark. Why is Geralt standing with Roach? It does not look like Geralt is readying Roach for traveling; he’s just…hugging her.

Jaskier walks over realizes with a start that the odd sound is sniffling. Geralt may be crying. Jaskier walks closer and calls out, “Geralt?”

Geralt freezes.

“Geralt? What’s wrong?” Jaskier puts a hand on Geralt’s shoulder.

Geralt shakes his head, not looking at Jaskier.

“I heard you. It sounded like you were crying, so you’re clearly not okay. Do you want to talk about it?” Jaskier asks.

“Why?” Geralt asks in a choked voice.

_Why?_ Geralt asks Jaskier why does Jaskier want to help Geralt. It’s enough to bring tears to Jaskier’s eyes. He blinks them back as sorrow sinks into his heart. All these years and Geralt still does not understand why Jaskier wants to help him. At least he asked. At least he’s giving Jaskier the chance to tell him exactly why Jaskier wants to talk about why Geralt is crying.

“Because we’re friends and I’d like to help you feel better if I can.” Jaskier replies. He intentionally leaves out the part about being in love with Geralt…that might scare Geralt away.

Geralt lets out a small, pained sound and presses his face into Roach again. He’s hugging his horse for comfort. Jaskier feels guilty because Geralt has gone to _a horse_ for comfort rather than Jaskier. He feels equally terrible for being upset about who Geralt chooses to go to for comfort. Jaskier should just be glad that Geralt went to _someone_. Geralt lets out a small sob and Roach nuzzles Geralt’s head with her nose. Jaskier’s eyes fill with tears as he realizes this must not be the first time Geralt has gone to Roach for comfort.

Jaskier gently wraps his arms around Geralt’s torso and carefully leans his forehead into Geralt’s back. “Is this okay?” Jaskier asks.

Geralt lets out another small sob and keeps his face buried in Roach’s shoulder, but he grabs ahold of one of Jaskier’s hands. “Jaskier,” Geralt sniffles.

“I’m here,” Jaskier says.

“ _Jaskier_ ,” Geralt says in a broken voice, holding onto Jaskier’s hand a little tighter.

“I’m here, Geralt. What do you need?” Jaskier asks.

“You,” Geralt sobs.

Jaskier’s heart just about stops. Jaskier tries to think of something to say, but Geralt continues speaking.

“I need you. I didn’t want to need you but,” Geralt coughs. “but I can’t help it. And I had a,” Geralt lets out a harsh sob that makes his shoulders shake. “I had a dream that you…that you d—” Geralt lets go of Jaskier’s hand and turns around, pulling himself out of Jaskier’s grasp. He stares down at Jaskier with yellow eyes bright with pain and tears. Geralt puts his hands on Jaskier’s shoulders and inspects Jaskier up and down. His breaths come in small, quick spurts and his hands shake.

“What did I do in your dream, Geralt?” Jaskier whispers.

“You died and I don’t know what I would do if you died before I had a chance to say that I—” Geralt’s voice cuts off and a look of horror washes over Geralt’s face.

Jaskier’s heart starts to beat faster. Geralt couldn’t mean what Jaskier thinks—what Jaskier _hopes_ —Geralt means.

“Before you say that you what?” Jaskier whispers. He locks eyes with Geralt. Jaskier’s scared to breathe for fear of tarnishing the moment. He is almost certain he knows what Geralt almost said, but he’s having trouble believing it. Could Jaskier really be so lucky? It seems unlikely, and yet…here they are.

“Traveling with me is dangerous.” Geralt whispers in a broken voice.

New tears spill down Geralt’s face and Jaskier reaches up, using his thumb to gently wipe Geralt’s tears away. “I like to travel with you. I like danger and I enjoy your company, Geralt.” Jaskier tells Geralt.

Geralt stares at Jaskier first with an expression of wonder, then with an expression of pain. “You deserve safety.” Geralt sniffles, looking away from Jaskier.

“I am safe with you,” Jaskier says.

Geralt shakes his head, shooting Jaskier a look of disbelief.

“Okay, I’m safe with you _most_ of the time. But usually when I’m not safe, it’s because I do stupid things despite knowing what I know about your line of work—not because you did anything wrong. And, Geralt dear? You do _not_ get to decide what I deserve. _I_ get to decide that, and I don’t _want_ an easy life. If I wanted that, then I wouldn’t have become well… _me_.” Jaskier says.

He would’ve become a knight or some other kind of noble. He would’ve become the son his father always wanted. He would’ve become something he despised. Jaskier prefers this existence to _that_ one where he would’ve felt trapped and used for the rest of his life.

Geralt doesn’t say anything, he just looks at Jaskier with a look of…well, Jaskier cannot say for certain. Is it longing? Heartbreak? Is Geralt feeling overwhelmed?

They’re silent for several beats before Geralt whispers, “I don’t want to lose you.” Then Geralt lets go of Jaskier’s shoulders and buries his face in his hands as he lets out a small sob…and then another and another.

“You’re not going to lose me.” Jaskier says before gathering Geralt into his arms.

Geralt throws his arms around Jaskier and buries his face in the crook of Jaskier’s neck. The dream must’ve really scared Geralt because he rarely seeks comfort from Jaskier.

Jaskier can hardly take the weight and carefully guides the two of them to the ground. He lies down beside Roach with Geralt nestled under his chin. “Why would you lose me? Because of your dream or what you wanted to say earlier?” Jaskier asks.

“I don’t want you to die.” Geralt hiccups.

“I don’t want you to die either, my sweet witcher.” Jaskier says, kicking himself for the use of the phrase “my sweet witcher.” At this rate, Geralt will leave Jaskier solely because of Jaskier’s use of pet names.

“Witchers aren’t sweet.” Geralt mumbles.

“Maybe, but I think you are.” Jaskier says, gently stroking Geralt’s hair.

Geralt lets out a small noise and hugs Jaskier a little tighter.

They lay like this for a while. Eventually Geralt calms down and stills; Jaskier thinks Geralt may have fallen asleep. Jaskier lies awake, holding his very best friend in the whole wide world in his arms, Geralt’s head is safely tucked under Jaskier’s chin. Geralt’s curled up at Jaskier’s side, he’s holding onto Jaskier’s shirt with both hands like he’s worried Jaskier will disappear. It just about breaks Jaskier’s heart. Jaskier blinks back tears and gently runs his fingers through Geralt’s hair, wondering if Geralt was really going to tell him that he loved him. Could Geralt really love him? Truly? Jaskier longs for that to be true. Jaskier also knows better than to push Geralt though…Jaskier has done so in the past on less sensitive topics with horrible results. Jaskier’s not great with personal boundaries to say the least, but he’s working on it. Jaskier knows that with something as sensitive as this, he needs to let Geralt take the lead. Otherwise, he may push Geralt away by accident.

“Jask?” Geralt whispers.

Jaskier jumps. He looks down to see Geralt staring at him with his eyebrows scrunched together.

“Sorry. I jumped because I thought you were asleep.” Jaskier explains, hoping to ease Geralt’s confusion.

“You’re tense.” The puzzled expression hasn’t left Geralt’s face.

“Oh. Sorry.” Jaskier tries to relax, but it doesn’t exactly work.

“What’s wrong?”

“Um, well,”

Geralt’s eyes widen. “Did you…did you figure out what I was trying to say?” he whispers.

Jaskier feels a hand take a hold of his heart and squeeze. Geralt looks so vulnerable, so scared, and…so resigned, so sure Jaskier is just going to hurt him for whatever it is that Geralt almost said. Jaskier almost hopes it wasn’t a confession of love because if Geralt is _this_ scared of Jaskier’s reaction, that really would break Jaskier’s heart. Too many vicious people have convinced Geralt that witchers aren’t sweet…that they can never be sweet…that they are unworthy of love and therefore Geralt is unworthy of love all because he was forced to become a witcher. It’s so sad and Geralt looks so small right now. Jaskier just wants to tell Geralt everything, but he worries that Geralt won’t believe him.

“I’m not quite sure.” Jaskier admits.

* * *

**Geralt**

Jaskier looks uncomfortable because he realized that Geralt almost admitted that he loved him. No one would want to be loved by a witcher. No one could love a witcher. Jaskier’s no exception. Geralt understands why Jaskier doesn’t love him. He really does. That’s why he’d hoped to hide that fact from Jaskier for as long as he could, but he was so tired and so scared from that nightmare that he nearly spoke his true heart. He’d hoped _so badly_ that Jaskier could be an exception. He’d hoped so badly that Jaskier could find it in himself to love a witcher, but even Jaskier—brave, kind, naïve Jaskier—cannot love a witcher. It shouldn’t hurt so much, but it does. Geralt feels a cold, sharp pain in his chest that takes his breath away and brings tears to his eyes.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t. I just…I can’t help it.” Geralt whispers. “I didn’t mean to.”

Please Jaskier, please don’t leave. Geralt wants to beg Jaskier to stay, but he knows he can’t. He must let go of Jaskier and let Jaskier leave if he’d like to do that. Geralt forces himself to sit up and let go of Jaskier even though the act makes him ache and his tears spill over as he pulls away from his only real friend.

There’s movement beside Geralt and then there are hands gently grasping his own. Geralt looks at the bard who’s sitting up now, staring at him with eyes full of tears. Geralt feels shame wash over him. His pathetic love has brought tears of disgust to Jaskier’s eyes. That’s the only thing these tears could be for. Geralt always brings misfortune to Jaskier. He looks at everything except for Jaskier for a few moments.

Jaskier finally breaks the silence.

“Geralt, please look at me.” Jaskier whispers.

Geralt forces himself to look at Jaskier who hasn’t let go of his hands yet. In fact, Jaskier’s using his thumbs to rub small circles into Geralt’s palms. It feels good. Why is he doing this?

“What can’t you help?” Jaskier whispers.

Geralt feels nauseous and would rather face a hundred monsters than have this conversation. How can he tell Jaskier now? He just stares into those blue eyes he’s almost certain he will never see again. He cannot smell disgust on Jaskier’s scent yet, but it’s only a matter of time. Geralt tries to speak, but no words come.

“Geralt, do you…do you love me? Is that what you were going to say?” Jaskier’s voice shakes.

Shame washes over Geralt. Jaskier figured it out. More tears spill down Geralt’s cheeks, making their way down his face and dripping pathetically off his chin. Geralt tries to think of a way out of this, but there is none. There is only the truth. Geralt nods and whispers, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Jaskier.”

“Why are you sorry?” Jaskier asks. His voice is a little shaky, but it’s so soft. Geralt does not deserve to be around any kind of softness.

This time, words spill from Geralt’s lips before he can stop them.

“Because I’ve made you cry.” Geralt sniffles. “Because you should get to be safe, but I’m selfishly admitting that I need you and that I…I _love_ you and it’s not fair to you. And, I’ve just dumped this enormous burden on you when you’re dealing with enough already with your nightmares. You hardly sleep and then you stagger around all day and I’m so worried about you, but I can’t tell you that because I can never find the words. I’m sorry. You should be loved by someone who can think of things to say and ways to make you feel better. You shouldn’t be loved by a m—” Geralt chokes on a sob. “by a monster like me.”

Tears stream down Jaskier’s cheeks and Geralt wishes for nothing more than the ability to take his pain away, but there’s nothing that Geralt can do to make this better. He watches as Jaskier gently brings Geralt’s hands to his lips and presses gentle kisses onto his knuckles. “I love you too, Geralt.” Jaskier whispers. “And when I look at you, I don’t see a monster. I have _never_ seen a monster.”

Geralt can’t take it anymore. This is too much. He is feeling too much. His heart swells with happiness and disbelief and he ducks his head, hoping to hide his face as he breaks. Jaskier claims to have never seen him as a monster. That makes sense given that Jaskier has fearlessly tagged along ever since he met Geralt. Jaskier has never flinched away from Geralt except after Jaskier has had a nightmare which Jaskier claims does not count. Jaskier has never done anything to make Geralt feel like a monster and Jaskier always defends Geralt when someone else calls or even implies that Geralt is a monster. Jaskier may really love Geralt too. That feels too good to be true.

“Oh, dear heart, come here.” Jaskier whispers.

Geralt feels himself pulled into Jaskier’s arms again. He greedily accepts the comfort Jaskier brings. He buries his face into the bard’s shoulder and just sobs. He cannot remember the last time someone said they loved him. He cannot remember someone even _suggesting_ that he could be worthy of love. Yet…here Jaskier is, telling Geralt that he loves him. Someone like Jaskier deserves someone so much better than Geralt, but Jaskier does not seem to believe that. Jaskier has chosen to stay with Geralt time after time and Geralt does not know what to do about it. It’s too much to think about.

“It’s okay. If this is too much, we don’t need to talk about it right now. We can wait until you’re ready. You’re okay. You’re safe with me, Geralt. I promise. I won’t push you about this. Never about this. Never about something so sensitive and precious as this. You’re safe with me. Just please, breathe, Geralt. Just breathe. It’s going to be okay.” Jaskier says as he pulls the two of them back onto the ground so they’re lying next to each other. Then he holds Geralt tightly in his arms and rubs gentle circles into Geralt’s back.

Geralt listens as Jaskier continues to tell him that Geralt is okay, that Geralt does not need to talk about this any further if he does not feel comfortable doing so, that Jaskier believes that the topic of Geralt’s love for Jaskier is sensitive and _precious_ , that Geralt is _safe_ with Jaskier. After a while, Geralt finds he can breathe again without sobbing, but he doesn’t pull away from Jaskier. He just gives in to the moment and curls closer to Jaskier, resting his face against the bard’s—no his friend’s—no his beloved’s shoulder. He closes his eyes as he feels Jaskier gently place a hand on Geralt’s face and thumbs away the rest of Geralt’s tears. Geralt feels safe with Jaskier. He shouldn’t. He doesn’t deserve it. But he feels safe with his bard anyway. And Jaskier says he feels safe with Geralt.

Geralt tries to think of something to say. Apologizing for the emotional outburst will only make Jaskier feel bad. “Thank you,” Geralt whispers. “For this…for helping me feel better.”

“I will always do this for you, Geralt.” Jaskier whispers, gently tucking a strand of Geralt’s hair behind Geralt’s ear.

The gesture makes Geralt shiver and he finds himself snuggling closer to Jaskier. He’s so tired and Jaskier is so warm.

“Can we,” Geralt whispers, “Can we sleep like this? Just for tonight?”

“Of course, we can sleep like this any time you’d like.” Jaskier whispers.

Geralt opens his eyes and pulls away—just enough to look at Jaskier’s face. Geralt searches Jaskier’s face for a lie or a look of discomfort. He finds none. Geralt allows himself to rest his head on Jaskier’s shoulder again and nuzzle a little closer to Jaskier. Seconds later, Geralt feels Jaskier rest his chin on top of Geralt’s head as Geralt often does to Jaskier when he holds Jaskier close after a nightmare. Something about the gesture makes Geralt feel warm on the inside. Geralt drifts into sleep feeling warm and safe and _loved_.

* * *

**Geralt**

When Geralt wakes up, he is being held, there is a chin atop his head, and gentle fingers run through his hair. Geralt opens his eyes and tilts his head to see Jaskier pull away just a little to smile down at Geralt. Jaskier does not stop running his fingers through Geralt’s hair. Something about the gesture tugs at Geralt’s heart and makes him feel warm all over. It makes him feel brave and a little reckless.

“I love you, Jaskier.” Geralt whispers.

The brightness of the smile that lights Jaskier’s face could rival that of the sun. “I love you too, Geralt.” Jaskier whispers back.

Geralt reaches up and caresses Jaskier’s face. The bard’s skin is soft under Geralt’s hand and Geralt tries his best to be gentle. Geralt leans closer to Jaskier and kisses him. He pulls back and whispers, “Was that all right?”

“All right?” Jaskier beams at Geralt. “That was perfect.”

Geralt smiles at Jaskier. “I love you.” Geralt says as loudly as he dares. It’s hardly over a whisper, but it’s the best he can do for now. He’s never going to stop saying those three words now that he knows Jaskier returns his love.

“I love you too.” Jaskier replies. “I love you so much.” Jaskier presses a gentle kiss to Geralt’s forehead.

Geralt gazes at Jaskier in what can only be described as a happy daze. He feels light and happy and content and safe and loved. He feels so loved.

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is lotsofquestionslimitedanswers and I post my fics on there too!:)
> 
> Thank you for reading!!:)


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